(no subject)

[keryx]

I can't explain exactly why this is, but people telling me my partner is hot/a good person/a "catch"/worthy/whatever kinda bothers me. The hotness thing particularly tweaks me, as a number of my friends have concluded that the boy is now attractive by their definition as a result of him losing weight and getting all buff.

Am I insane? Does this bother me because it's an enforcement of some "attractiveness" standard? Or because I'm generally sensitive to the whole weight issue (I mean, he's gotten buffer and I've gotten loads fatter in the time we've been dating - is he now hotter than I, and do I care)? Does it bother me that others feel qualified to judge his goodness? Or am I simply contrary in general? Is it all my parents' fault? ;)

I really don't know, and I feel terribly silly being even a tiny bit offended when I can't say why.

[ETA: That I really should have excluded the "catch" comment from my list - that I know offends me with its implications that my role is to catch me a man and all that. Ew!]

Comments

[snidegrrl.livejournal.com]

The key being that thinking it is a compliment to you when they are evaluating the quality of your partner. Yes, my partner is neat in many ways, why don't you tell him that? It reinforces the idea that one's worthiness is tied a) to getting a partner and then b) the "quality" of that partner.

That said people who say this stuff usually mean well and aren't trying to tie your worth to your partner's worth on purpose, I'd reckon.

The fact that it is cropping up more with body changes?

Ugh. :(

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's it, that I'm picking up (unintentional) judgements of me as good or bad from such comments.

The body changes thing... There's a subset of "OMG! You look great [meaning thinner]! How did you do it [meaning why didn't April do it, too, in my mind]?" comments that make me want to beat people up. But that's a whole other rant (one I've already made a million times), not related to the "your boy is good, so you are/aren't" thing.

[peregrin8.livejournal.com]

hmmm... I don't think "hot" and "buff" are at all in the same category as "a good person" and "worthy." I dated someone in the past who, as it turned out after we finally broke up, some of my close friends didn't like. So when they come up to me and tell me they like my current sweetie, and they think we are a good couple, that is meaningful to me.

I have had a "which of your friends' husbands would you prefer to be trapped on a desert island with" conversation, because my friends and I are extremely goofy people, but we ended up choosing the one with the most practical engineering experience because, really, the goal is to get off the island...

Anyway, I think they are probably trying to be nice, even if they are not being terribly evolved about it?

[kazoogrrl.livejournal.com]

hmmm... I don't think "hot" and "buff" are at all in the same category as "a good person" and "worthy."

I agree with this. I love to hear that my friends like my boy for his good qualities; don't really care if anyone things he's hot.

With my last two relationships, if anyone ever told me my boyfriend hot, I've responded with, "Thanks, I made him myself." I know it's meant as a compliment, but really, why are you telling me this? I don't have anything to DO with it - he is what he is. If I'm with him, hopefully I see more than the surface. Telling me that is like making me responsible for his looks, so I respond as if I DID have something to do with it. Always throws people for a loop.

[missmeridian.livejournal.com]

in my defense, person did not say losingweight=hot, but buff=hot, in the context of, gee, boy looks buff, hmm, he's a big guy like me that does activey things that probably don't involve the gym, i wonder if i could get in shape like him because i? am not in shape. and if i were, i'd be hott. */end defensive comment*

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I'm all not questioning your/Matifa's motives. :) It's just that other peeps have made similar comments and I am all kinds of weirdly defensive about them. And I really don't know why. *cranky face at self*

[ivyblogs.livejournal.com]

Once my husband lost a whole lotta weight and got all buff. He was a popular bartender at a popular bar, so it seemed like everybody I bumped into had seen him. They all made a point of telling me how great he looked and how did he do it?! The thing that really bothered me was that I was sure they were thinking, "She better do something about her weight now if she doesn't want to lose him" or some thing equally offensive. Nobody ever said that- ever. I know- stupid of me to imagine insults. But size is such a weighted issue (haha!) I don't blame myself for feeling that all those comments about his size were subtle digs at mine. I mean, to me the weight loss itself isn't what made him look good. It was all the exercise (he'd gotten hard core into mountain biking) and finally deciding to eat these strange new foods called fruits and vegetables. He looked good because he was eating good food and exercising. But all people mentioned was the fact he was smaller. That was the big deal to them. Weight loss.

pardon the potty mouth, but...

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain. Not from the folks making the comments I posted about, but on the whole "you lost weight/you look great" shit - that even relatively in tune/not anti-fat folk miss the fact that both of us have been doing all these healthy things. I just didn't get thin, probably because I'm female and have (like lots of women) a long history of crap dieting. Grrr.

And the thing with men dieting (which the boy didn't do) pisses me off - cause now middle aged middle class white men go on their first diet and lose 50 lbs in a second, and then want to justify it to everyone, that it's so much healthier, they just had to eat well and exercise... and I think yeah, motherfucker, that works the first time, but what happens to you guys in 5 years?.

Re: pardon the potty mouth, but...

[ivyblogs.livejournal.com]

Ha! That was Bee's first ever diet- at the age of 33. And in 8 years he's gained it all back and then some- even though he eats less than he did back in his thirties. Now in his case, even though the diet itself wasn't drastic- the change in what he ate was drastic. He's eaten mostly highly processed food and barely any fruits of veggies most of his life. The change in his mood and focus once he changed the way he ate was amazing. I did think it was good for him. But again, the biggest and best changes I saw had little to do with the weight loss.

[box-o-spiders.livejournal.com]

I think it's a hot-button issue to define weight loss as a factor in how hot or worthy someone is. I know it pisses me right off. I know that truthfully by societal standards weight loss means you are "hotter" but I don't think it should be that way. I think your mind is being a conscientious objector in that instance.

You are the only real judge of his "goodness" to you. You know him better and you know what he is to you, what he means, what his worth is in your eyes. I think you're a good judge because you're questioning these shallow appraisals given by others.