i am not pretty

[keryx]

I have days when the fact that conventional wisdom considers me ugly and deeply flawed really, really bothers me.

This morning was the beginning of one of those days. Or rather, it could have been. I woke up with crappy-feeling skin, cramps, looking more or less like I always look, and it just hits me the I am Officially Not Pretty. Which made me so sad.

And then I thought about cavlec's insistence on being able to say, without judgement or "but no, I think you're beautiful!", that one is ugly. We really do, as a culture, think of not meeting some idea (even your own) of pretty as some sort of immense problem. That, even if you are ugly by all conventional standards, admitting to it is - well, an admission. And actually - that's a rather self-involved problem, isn't it? Maybe the answer to the problem isn't this expanding worldview where Everyone is Beautiful in some grand metaphorical sense, but simply allowing for ugly without value attached to it.

Can you have aesthetics without value judgement? That idea intrigues me.

So I thought about that, and pretty quickly got over the emotional reaction to the whole ugliness thing. But, ya know, the ugly remains. Generally I ignore that, but I'd like to get to know it as neither a sad-making nor a fuck-you-world thing. Hrm.

I do not mean, by all of this, that I am unattractive. Hey, have you people met me? I'm practically irresistible. I'm simply also ugly by most definitions, including sometimes my own (culturally proscribed) aesthetic preference.

Comments

[libskrat]

:)

[libskrat]

Perhaps what I'm working towards is that I cna't really groove on something as beautiful without an act of communication?

Hey, now, that's fascinating and deeply cool. I will have to think about it.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I very much separate aesthetics and attraction, actually. Like the idea of "pretty" and "ugly" are totally separate from "hot" and "interesting" - which are really the things that drive my enthusiasm for people.

So I completely relate to your communication idea wrt attraction, but not to this "pretty"/"ugly" thing. It's as if those two are constructs relatively unrelated to my actual experience. I'm curious where that dissociation comes from for me - I'll have to study it.

[cutegaychick.livejournal.com]

Um ... not to be contrary or obnoxious on your LJ or anything ... but I know a lot of Ugly Yet Attractive people. You're not one of them. Sorry.

(and I see it coming so let me head you off right now with the "oh, so I guess I'm Ugly And Unattractive" response. That's not it either but good try).

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Whatever you say. Except, of course, that a pretty significant chunk of the population would disagree with you.

I wouldn't even have thought of the ugly and unattractive thing, ironically - that's how vain/overconfident/just so damned cute I am. :)

[soft-pieces.livejournal.com]

Can you have aesthetics without value judgement? That idea intrigues me.

Being drawn to someone or something based on an aesthetic preference doesn't have to include value judgment, I don't think. Someone chooses, I think, to add in that extra twist if that is their nature.

Like, to get ridiculously reductionist about it, I could have potato chips be my favorite snack without thinking that funyuns - not tasty to me - are therefore [some synonym of bad or worthless]. Someone can love without hating those they do not love.

Maybe the answer to the problem isn't this expanding worldview where Everyone is Beautiful in some grand metaphorical sense, but simply allowing for ugly without value attached to it.

"Ugly" is such a rough word, having been the target of it, that I've tried to only use it for inanimate objects and chosen behaviors. (That does not mean that your statement, above, is not appealing.)

You are awesome. Sorry that the best metaphors I could muster were chip vs. funyun and love vs. hate. ;)

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I agree that preference doesn't automatically mean duality. But - can you love without attaching the value "good" to the thing being loved?

I really like funyuns. They make tummyaches go away, or at least that's what I learned when I was wee. There's definitely a funyun = good connection in my head. It doesn't make potato chips not good (au contraire!), but less-good. [Er. Unless they're the really good wholesome potatoey chips, and then they're better than funyuns.]

I feel about "ugly" the way I used to feel about "fat". It does feel condemning - but then, again, all these other weird value judgements attach to it in my mind.

[soft-pieces.livejournal.com]

But - can you love without attaching the value "good" to the thing being loved?

Hmm. Good point.

It doesn't make potato chips not good (au contraire!), but less-good.

I guess it's a sort of subconscious prioritization - a passive, mental process - versus conscious (good word choice, on your part:) condemnation - an active, verbal process.

There has to be some way to short circuit the brain between those two processes: being ok with having a favorite but not letting that turn into an indictment of the not-favored.

None of that is to say that the preferences and prioritizations are not affected by outside forces. I guess that blurs the line between passive and active. Doh. :P