stop reading my book
Sep. 26th, 2006 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keryxThe other night at our performance, a woman I hadn't seen in quite a few years from work/art/whatevah stopped me to say hi. She was rather gushy about how beautiful I looked (y'all know; dance costume really does suit me, plus I'm all glowy when I've been dancing). She said I was "so much prettier than before". Before in this case, by the way, is quite a bit smaller and younger - but, you know, a lot more afraid.
Narf. I think.
But maybe I am "pretty", whatever that means.
In the continuing vein of confusion about dancing and training and shrinking, I thought this morning that I - most of the time - am happy [happier?] with the feel of my body. And with looking at myself. It's the intersection of body and clothing that I'm bothered by.
And then it started to bug me that I do feel physically happier. I know the happy and the thinner are just two things happening at the same time, but I feel like I'm visually sending this "thinner = happier" message to the world. It's like being betrayed by yourself, when you go from fat and healthy and basically happy to less-fat and still healthy and oh, so this is what happy is. The adjectives are unrelated, but there's that familiar narrative that goes "I was soooo fat and miserable, but then I got thin and now I'm Beautiful and Happy!" - it's a work of fiction, people (along the lines of "And then I took my bootstraps, and I pulled myself up, all on my own!"), and it has nothing to do with me. But! People are so accustomed to reading things that way that they do it without any kind of negative intent; hey, they're happy for me.
I don't like having my life read by other people. But that happens no matter what you do.
Narf. I think.
But maybe I am "pretty", whatever that means.
In the continuing vein of confusion about dancing and training and shrinking, I thought this morning that I - most of the time - am happy [happier?] with the feel of my body. And with looking at myself. It's the intersection of body and clothing that I'm bothered by.
And then it started to bug me that I do feel physically happier. I know the happy and the thinner are just two things happening at the same time, but I feel like I'm visually sending this "thinner = happier" message to the world. It's like being betrayed by yourself, when you go from fat and healthy and basically happy to less-fat and still healthy and oh, so this is what happy is. The adjectives are unrelated, but there's that familiar narrative that goes "I was soooo fat and miserable, but then I got thin and now I'm Beautiful and Happy!" - it's a work of fiction, people (along the lines of "And then I took my bootstraps, and I pulled myself up, all on my own!"), and it has nothing to do with me. But! People are so accustomed to reading things that way that they do it without any kind of negative intent; hey, they're happy for me.
I don't like having my life read by other people. But that happens no matter what you do.