stop reading my book

[keryx]

The other night at our performance, a woman I hadn't seen in quite a few years from work/art/whatevah stopped me to say hi. She was rather gushy about how beautiful I looked (y'all know; dance costume really does suit me, plus I'm all glowy when I've been dancing). She said I was "so much prettier than before". Before in this case, by the way, is quite a bit smaller and younger - but, you know, a lot more afraid.

Narf. I think.

But maybe I am "pretty", whatever that means.

In the continuing vein of confusion about dancing and training and shrinking, I thought this morning that I - most of the time - am happy [happier?] with the feel of my body. And with looking at myself. It's the intersection of body and clothing that I'm bothered by.

And then it started to bug me that I do feel physically happier. I know the happy and the thinner are just two things happening at the same time, but I feel like I'm visually sending this "thinner = happier" message to the world. It's like being betrayed by yourself, when you go from fat and healthy and basically happy to less-fat and still healthy and oh, so this is what happy is. The adjectives are unrelated, but there's that familiar narrative that goes "I was soooo fat and miserable, but then I got thin and now I'm Beautiful and Happy!" - it's a work of fiction, people (along the lines of "And then I took my bootstraps, and I pulled myself up, all on my own!"), and it has nothing to do with me. But! People are so accustomed to reading things that way that they do it without any kind of negative intent; hey, they're happy for me.

I don't like having my life read by other people. But that happens no matter what you do.

Comments

[begraven.livejournal.com]

I wonder if that correlation is barebutt backwards... I mean, that for me, When I'm in that oh, that is what happy is mode that I tend to be thinner... For instance, when I am happier, I'm more active- I dance more, my metabolism speeds up because I'm more active, I go out more spending time with friends, etc...

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that's true for some people, at least. It definitely seems a bit more plausible than "I got thin and then I found happiness and love". *grump*

[snidegrrl.livejournal.com]

I am a perfect example of thinner not necessarily meaning happier right now! In fact my whole life could point to a negative correlation. The thinnest I was was also my unhappiest! And I may be thinner now but by no means does that correlate to my happiness rising. I think it's noticeable for some people reading my life.

[fierceawakening.livejournal.com]

The thinnest I was wasn't my unhappiest, but the thinnest I was LATELY was due to an anxiety disorder making me not eat (I somehow got hung up on potential food allergies and it got so bad I couldn't manage to make myself eat more than one sandwich, usually, that I'd prepared myself out of things in my house.)

But people all around me "Ohhh, you've lost weight. You look so GOOD!" I wanted so bad to say yeah, and I feel like dying.

[cutegaychick.livejournal.com]

But you *are* prettier than you were before.
I attribute it to your new and superior choice of sex partners.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

You don't even know what I looked like in 1997, silly girl!

[cutegaychick.livejournal.com]

True, but I totally approve of your new sex partner and I think all the credit should go there.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Wait, I have a new sex partner? Are they cute? How come no one told me?