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catching you up on the dating thingamabob
I haven't said much about the results of my asking-50-people-out thing in a bit, have I?
So. I've been writing a little. Here's some of it.
I've never "casually dated". I was a dork who didn't start until college, where I ran through a series of hookups (that's what the kids called them) and landed in a relationship that lasted nearly 10 years. Entering my 30s single was unfamiliar and intriguing territory.
Eh. I had other things to do, and no template for dating as an adult.
Cut to now, and not much has changed. Dating, whatever that means, terrifies me. I've happened upon a couple of relationships, I've ignored dating in favor of some wonderful friendships, I've even read dating advice and tried abiding by whatever Rules of Dating - and kept feeling clueless and awkward. In fact, the more I tried to understand any sort of secret rules to the dating game, the more frustrating and stupid the idea seemed. I'm ridiculously happy alone; why would I want to play if it's not fun?
But. It could be more fun with someone to play with, right? This is my theory. I'm looking for a perspective on dating that's fun, transparent, with just a bit of a rush. With the help of my Totally Awesome Life Coach, I'm jumping into the thing that scares me most: point-blank asking people on dates. Not just "people". Fifty people. Eek! Somewhere on this path, it has to get less "eek" and more "whee".
Fifty is just a number that came to mind: a large number. What really matters is the repetition and revision, doing this scary thing until it's not so scary - and doing it just a little differently so I watch and learn each time.
There are a few boundaries.
1. Every ask must be frightening. I have to want each person to say yes. That doesn't mean I need to want to ride off into the sunset with them, just to spend a couple of hours.
2. Every person must be available. This is really a corollary to #1. If I know someone's unavailable, I don't ask.
3. Rejection counts. It's 50 asks, not 50 dates.
4. I will in fact go out with everyone who says yes. Duh. See #1. I can also go on additional dates with the same person. Only the first time with a person counts in the 50, but 2-n, should they happen, count as good times.
5. This will all happen before the end of 2009.
6. I'll try not to be an ass. The numbers provide a structure, but the real learning here is about what it feels like to put myself at risk with this many people. Those people are also vulnerable, and as odd a structure as this is, I want to fill it with humanity.
7. No, I don't know what happens if I hit it off with someone before the count hits 50. It's possible that, relationship or not, this project will stop being meaningful for whatever reason.
Within those bounds, pretty much anything can happen. It's an odd balance to strike: this structure (which feels a little mechanical and schemey) against playful, in-the-moment interactions with other people. We'll see how it works.
Next post I'll tell you more about the first handful of people I asked.
So. I've been writing a little. Here's some of it.
I've never "casually dated". I was a dork who didn't start until college, where I ran through a series of hookups (that's what the kids called them) and landed in a relationship that lasted nearly 10 years. Entering my 30s single was unfamiliar and intriguing territory.
Eh. I had other things to do, and no template for dating as an adult.
Cut to now, and not much has changed. Dating, whatever that means, terrifies me. I've happened upon a couple of relationships, I've ignored dating in favor of some wonderful friendships, I've even read dating advice and tried abiding by whatever Rules of Dating - and kept feeling clueless and awkward. In fact, the more I tried to understand any sort of secret rules to the dating game, the more frustrating and stupid the idea seemed. I'm ridiculously happy alone; why would I want to play if it's not fun?
But. It could be more fun with someone to play with, right? This is my theory. I'm looking for a perspective on dating that's fun, transparent, with just a bit of a rush. With the help of my Totally Awesome Life Coach, I'm jumping into the thing that scares me most: point-blank asking people on dates. Not just "people". Fifty people. Eek! Somewhere on this path, it has to get less "eek" and more "whee".
Fifty is just a number that came to mind: a large number. What really matters is the repetition and revision, doing this scary thing until it's not so scary - and doing it just a little differently so I watch and learn each time.
There are a few boundaries.
1. Every ask must be frightening. I have to want each person to say yes. That doesn't mean I need to want to ride off into the sunset with them, just to spend a couple of hours.
2. Every person must be available. This is really a corollary to #1. If I know someone's unavailable, I don't ask.
3. Rejection counts. It's 50 asks, not 50 dates.
4. I will in fact go out with everyone who says yes. Duh. See #1. I can also go on additional dates with the same person. Only the first time with a person counts in the 50, but 2-n, should they happen, count as good times.
5. This will all happen before the end of 2009.
6. I'll try not to be an ass. The numbers provide a structure, but the real learning here is about what it feels like to put myself at risk with this many people. Those people are also vulnerable, and as odd a structure as this is, I want to fill it with humanity.
7. No, I don't know what happens if I hit it off with someone before the count hits 50. It's possible that, relationship or not, this project will stop being meaningful for whatever reason.
Within those bounds, pretty much anything can happen. It's an odd balance to strike: this structure (which feels a little mechanical and schemey) against playful, in-the-moment interactions with other people. We'll see how it works.
Next post I'll tell you more about the first handful of people I asked.
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She looks like fun! Is she single? ;)
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I sent your friend an email through her website, by the way. I think I'd like to get to know her.
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Before I saw this comment, I sent an introductory e-mail to you and Anna. I don't know your e-mail address, so I sent it to keryx [at] livejournal.com.
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Writing about it is like REALLY doing it; not only am I being vunerable, I'm also admitting to it. It's a good exercise for me - the talking itself is a way of connecting.
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I followed my interest in Fat?So! here and find that we're on a similar path (and I've been trying to make myself take up belly dancing for over a year and suspect you might be a motivating factor) so I'm friending you.
Hope you'll consider the same.
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