stupid effing weightloss
Mar. 27th, 2006 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keryxI encountered a scale this weekend for the first time in a while, and with effing everyone around me asking if I lost weight lately, I figured I'd check.
I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was or the last time someone weighed me, for that matter. In any case, I'm pretty sure it was less than a year ago, and also pretty sure that I weighed something around 220 pounds. Which means I've lost some 20 pounds since then.
The ideal response to this is indifference, I think. In a perfect world, weight gained or lost in a not-ridiculously-short time wouldn't have any value judgement attached to it. I mean, you might be curious, but that'd be it. Right?
But we - and by we here, I mean I - don't live in that world. And there's a part of me that's all "Woot! I really did shrink! Go me!" - I'm ashamed of that part.
What a stupid thing to be even a tiny bit proud of, first off. I mean, it's not an accomplishment, period - it's not something I set out to do, and even if I did set out to do it (sorry weight-losing peeps on my f-list, I realize YMMV), it would've been a meaningless goal that wasted time I could've spent doing something useful. Changing the size of your body on purpose may be hard, but it's not about mastery or building something you can use (yeah, yeah, I know people talk about it as a psychological triumph and all... and maybe that's true - for them), and shrinking is certainly not about being healthy in and of itself.
The part of me that's pro-shrinking is also still a little disordered, so I'm also ashamed because it's embarrassing to be a smart, strong woman who still has a tiny part of her brain dedicated to disordered eating and self-hate. No matter how tiny that part is, or how dissociated I feel from it (which is itself an issue, if we wanna get all analytical about it).
There's another rabidly anti-shrinking part of me (the part ashamed of the other part, of course), because the past few years saw a fundamental change in my feeling about my body. Namely, I really liked it. The change is making me uncomfortable with my body, its inability to fit into pants, and others' appraisals of it. And I find myself talking again about "my body" like the physical and mental aren't both me. It feels like steps backwards. Which sucks even harder because I'm kindof a raging fat radical, and here I am stymied by my own skin.
Logically, I realize that the truth is the shrinking thing is probably incidental - I was actually fairly sure I had shrunk, but not lost pounds, as I know my physical training has made me denser & more muscular - to other useful and fun changes in my life. I mean, I shifted from being a healthy eater and exerciser to being flat-out athletic; I've been involved in trying to master a lot of things about myself. But just because the cause is incidental doesn't mean I can settle lightly into the shrinking and the change.
Not that I really want lightly, anyhow - applying a questioning glare to one's self and motives is good. I just... wow, I really am feeling the imbalance of the values we attach to fat and thin (or even just "thinner") these days.
It's feeling a lot more personal.
I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was or the last time someone weighed me, for that matter. In any case, I'm pretty sure it was less than a year ago, and also pretty sure that I weighed something around 220 pounds. Which means I've lost some 20 pounds since then.
The ideal response to this is indifference, I think. In a perfect world, weight gained or lost in a not-ridiculously-short time wouldn't have any value judgement attached to it. I mean, you might be curious, but that'd be it. Right?
But we - and by we here, I mean I - don't live in that world. And there's a part of me that's all "Woot! I really did shrink! Go me!" - I'm ashamed of that part.
What a stupid thing to be even a tiny bit proud of, first off. I mean, it's not an accomplishment, period - it's not something I set out to do, and even if I did set out to do it (sorry weight-losing peeps on my f-list, I realize YMMV), it would've been a meaningless goal that wasted time I could've spent doing something useful. Changing the size of your body on purpose may be hard, but it's not about mastery or building something you can use (yeah, yeah, I know people talk about it as a psychological triumph and all... and maybe that's true - for them), and shrinking is certainly not about being healthy in and of itself.
The part of me that's pro-shrinking is also still a little disordered, so I'm also ashamed because it's embarrassing to be a smart, strong woman who still has a tiny part of her brain dedicated to disordered eating and self-hate. No matter how tiny that part is, or how dissociated I feel from it (which is itself an issue, if we wanna get all analytical about it).
There's another rabidly anti-shrinking part of me (the part ashamed of the other part, of course), because the past few years saw a fundamental change in my feeling about my body. Namely, I really liked it. The change is making me uncomfortable with my body, its inability to fit into pants, and others' appraisals of it. And I find myself talking again about "my body" like the physical and mental aren't both me. It feels like steps backwards. Which sucks even harder because I'm kindof a raging fat radical, and here I am stymied by my own skin.
Logically, I realize that the truth is the shrinking thing is probably incidental - I was actually fairly sure I had shrunk, but not lost pounds, as I know my physical training has made me denser & more muscular - to other useful and fun changes in my life. I mean, I shifted from being a healthy eater and exerciser to being flat-out athletic; I've been involved in trying to master a lot of things about myself. But just because the cause is incidental doesn't mean I can settle lightly into the shrinking and the change.
Not that I really want lightly, anyhow - applying a questioning glare to one's self and motives is good. I just... wow, I really am feeling the imbalance of the values we attach to fat and thin (or even just "thinner") these days.
It's feeling a lot more personal.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 03:54 pm (UTC)i think possibly the problem is that you cant let yourself enjoy the change because it somehow feels like you are turning your back on your rabid pro-fatness.
but in as much as you can say its not a bad thing to be fat, and being fat doesnt mean you are less healthy, the same is true for any shape you take on, bigger or smaller or whatever.
it really doesnt matter what shape you are... if a guy can be a feminist, then you can still be as raging a fat radical no matter how much you shrink.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 05:28 pm (UTC)I can't believe I'm about to say this, but dude... you are so right. And I would really, really like to just be able to think that way, you know? Not be happy or angry or anything, just "hey, look, I'm a different size, whatevs".
Sometimes I can. I mean, the decision to even test whether I was smaller or not was pretty much just straight up curiosity, so that was good.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 05:45 pm (UTC)hehe... that must have hurt so bad.
but if it makes you feel better, i dont actually think that way about myself. but its good advice. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 05:53 pm (UTC)It is good advice. And i hope you get to think that way about yourself, too.