stupid effing weightloss

[keryx]

I encountered a scale this weekend for the first time in a while, and with effing everyone around me asking if I lost weight lately, I figured I'd check.

I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was or the last time someone weighed me, for that matter. In any case, I'm pretty sure it was less than a year ago, and also pretty sure that I weighed something around 220 pounds. Which means I've lost some 20 pounds since then.

The ideal response to this is indifference, I think. In a perfect world, weight gained or lost in a not-ridiculously-short time wouldn't have any value judgement attached to it. I mean, you might be curious, but that'd be it. Right?

But we - and by we here, I mean I - don't live in that world. And there's a part of me that's all "Woot! I really did shrink! Go me!" - I'm ashamed of that part.

What a stupid thing to be even a tiny bit proud of, first off. I mean, it's not an accomplishment, period - it's not something I set out to do, and even if I did set out to do it (sorry weight-losing peeps on my f-list, I realize YMMV), it would've been a meaningless goal that wasted time I could've spent doing something useful. Changing the size of your body on purpose may be hard, but it's not about mastery or building something you can use (yeah, yeah, I know people talk about it as a psychological triumph and all... and maybe that's true - for them), and shrinking is certainly not about being healthy in and of itself.

The part of me that's pro-shrinking is also still a little disordered, so I'm also ashamed because it's embarrassing to be a smart, strong woman who still has a tiny part of her brain dedicated to disordered eating and self-hate. No matter how tiny that part is, or how dissociated I feel from it (which is itself an issue, if we wanna get all analytical about it).

There's another rabidly anti-shrinking part of me (the part ashamed of the other part, of course), because the past few years saw a fundamental change in my feeling about my body. Namely, I really liked it. The change is making me uncomfortable with my body, its inability to fit into pants, and others' appraisals of it. And I find myself talking again about "my body" like the physical and mental aren't both me. It feels like steps backwards. Which sucks even harder because I'm kindof a raging fat radical, and here I am stymied by my own skin.

Logically, I realize that the truth is the shrinking thing is probably incidental - I was actually fairly sure I had shrunk, but not lost pounds, as I know my physical training has made me denser & more muscular - to other useful and fun changes in my life. I mean, I shifted from being a healthy eater and exerciser to being flat-out athletic; I've been involved in trying to master a lot of things about myself. But just because the cause is incidental doesn't mean I can settle lightly into the shrinking and the change.

Not that I really want lightly, anyhow - applying a questioning glare to one's self and motives is good. I just... wow, I really am feeling the imbalance of the values we attach to fat and thin (or even just "thinner") these days.

It's feeling a lot more personal.

Comments

[ehrgeiziges.livejournal.com]

The ideal response to this is indifference, I think.

Jeez... You have been doing a lot, though. Doing belly-dancing and all...
Would you at least say that you've toned up a bit from doing belly dancing? :D I'd at least be happy about that if it happened to me. :-D

[keryx.livejournal.com]

You know, muscle "tone" is actually residual tension anyhow. A fit and relaxed person may be muscular, but would never be pronouncedly "cut".

But aside from the nitpicking detail... why is being "toned" as you call it a reason to be happy in your mind?

Okay, think about that for a second.
.
.
.
.
.
.
There's some implicit (and explicit, really) value judgement placed on different body types, and I question whether there's any validity to that value judgement.

[ehrgeiziges.livejournal.com]

I mean toned in the sense that you are better able to move yourself. Have you noticed any improvement from your dancing? Are you more flexible than you were before you started belly-dancing? I believe a part of that can be attributed to a toning of your muscles from your dancing..

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Stop saying "toning" then. This word... I do not think it means what you think it means. By the way, you said I "looked toned" a few weeks ago, so I'm pretty sure you don't even completely think it means what you say it means. :)

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

settle down, killer...

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Rawr. Hiss. Will you please give R. a fat radical lecture to go with his feministy one now?

[ehrgeiziges.livejournal.com]

I need mah edumacation. Please teach me of your ways, for I am ignorant, yet sympathetic toward your cause.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

okay, first of all sympathetic is not the right word... "sympathetic" will get you killed.

Secondly, there is nothing difficult about any of this. The entire idea is that the popular culture says "you must be this small to be happy" and fat radicalism says "fuck you, im huge and im still happy."

Being fat doesnt make you unhealthy or weakwilled or anything else, it just makes you fat.

my argument with fat radicalism is that they often times are so rabidly pro-fat that they cant just accept that other people dont understand, and often let little things get under their skin.
If someone said to me "hey, you look like youve lost some weight!" i respond "Nope, doubt it... but thanks anyways!" But if you said the same thing so some fat people they respond (if only mentally) "Fuck you! who are you to judge me and my body? What gives you the right to hold me to your own bullshit standards? HOW DARE YOU?!? RAR GRR HISS"

that shit is way too intense for me.

The way i look at it, i am the way i am... like it or not. When someone mentions it to me, i hear the words that make judgement, but i understand the intent. Most people arent mentioning it because they are trying to force their ideals on me, they just try to be nice, and dont understand the implications. If they thought you would be happy if you looked bigger, theyd say "hey, you sure are rounding out nicely" and if they thought you wanted to be a smurf theyd say "my, you certainly look shorter and bluer today."

It's not the words that matter, its the idea behind it.

Sometimes people forget that.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Well said. 5 points for you. :)

I think when we say "Fuck you! who are you to judge me and my body? What gives you the right to hold me to your own bullshit standards? HOW DARE YOU?!? RAR GRR HISS" what we mean is that we are really really really tired of and angry at a culture that assumes we want to be thin or whatever. And particularly when it comes from someone who's been exposed to the fat radicalism, it's like... what is with you, weren't you listening to me?

[firecat]

It also sometimes means "I think it's impolite to make observations about my body that I didn't solicit."

It's a minefield out here. Rar Grr Hiss.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Good point. It's line drawing. This body here is my space, not a billboard.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

what? am i an expert now on giving lectures on stuff i dont know anything about?

[keryx.livejournal.com]

apparently. you gave me a nice "size is just size" pep talk, after all.

[snidegrrl.livejournal.com]

I love every single unwitting implication of those statements and questions people unthinkingly make on your body. "Have you lost weight?"

aka
"Are you the right size yet?"
aka
"See how I feel entitled to judge your body?"
aka
"Mind if I sublimate some envy/yearning/fill in the issue at you?"

[keryx.livejournal.com]

GAAAAAAAAAH.

On the positive side, a guy asked me that at work awhile back, and I said "yeah, I'm kinda worried that I'm too stressed and not eating enough" and he told me about some things going on with him that were making him lose weight. We ended up having a good chat about food and stuff.

So, see, I was expecting entitled judgedment, and it turned out to be empathy.

[snidegrrl.livejournal.com]

Yay pleasant surprises!!

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

i would say that even in the short time ive known you, you have physically changed quite a bit. its not necessarily a positive or a negative... it just is.

i think possibly the problem is that you cant let yourself enjoy the change because it somehow feels like you are turning your back on your rabid pro-fatness.

but in as much as you can say its not a bad thing to be fat, and being fat doesnt mean you are less healthy, the same is true for any shape you take on, bigger or smaller or whatever.

it really doesnt matter what shape you are... if a guy can be a feminist, then you can still be as raging a fat radical no matter how much you shrink.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

its not necessarily a positive or a negative... it just is.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but dude... you are so right. And I would really, really like to just be able to think that way, you know? Not be happy or angry or anything, just "hey, look, I'm a different size, whatevs".

Sometimes I can. I mean, the decision to even test whether I was smaller or not was pretty much just straight up curiosity, so that was good.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but dude... you are so right.
hehe... that must have hurt so bad.

but if it makes you feel better, i dont actually think that way about myself. but its good advice. :)

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Nah, didn't hurt a bit. Just reminded me why I'm friends with you.

It is good advice. And i hope you get to think that way about yourself, too.

[rackletang.livejournal.com]

It's always a difficult, thorny thing. Recently I went up a jeans size, and I'm annoyed about it. Not because I feel bad about being larger, just because I had to go out and spend good money on new pants. It's annoying.

So... I don't know what I'm trying to say here, except that change in body composition is inevitable when we move more, or when we sit more. And either way, whatever. All it means is, our bodies change shape. Attaching significance to that fact is problematic, either way.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

OH $DEITY DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT PANTS.

ahem. it's really hard not to get annoyed when not only do you not want to spend money on pants, but the composition change means no size of pants fits.

you don't by any chance take a 20, do you? cause i have some non-fitting pants that could use a good home. eh, you're probably too tall for my pants, anyhow.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

well if you ever learned how to sew, you could make a bunch of wrap pants and thai drive in pants... they fit anybody!

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Um, but they're kinda open at the sides... not exactly work friendly. Excellent in other contexts, though.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

nah, i was looking at them today, you could do them so they didnt flap open so much on the sides.

i think the problem is the they are "one size fits most" but the closer you get to the high side, the more it flaps open.

and the thai pants arent open on the sides at all.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I think actually the wrap pants's issue is flexibility. when i stand still, they're decent. when i wiggle around as i am wont to do, they go all peekabooish.

[chubbyninja.livejournal.com]

then go to the fisherman pants, they are just like extra big pants that fold over from one or both sides and tie with a belt.

i think im making some wrap pants for spiral, but im gonna cut them so that they wrap a lot farther around so they dont open at all.
of course, since i dont dance, i should be safe enough.

[rackletang.livejournal.com]

Nope, I'm "normally" a 26, but right now 28s are hanging on to my ass for dear life. :)

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes. To everything you said. I hear ya.

I'm glad to hear it sounds useful. It's hard to tell sometimes if you're examining things for good or just paralyzing yourself with navelgazing.

[queerbychoice.livejournal.com]

I just want to say that I love the fact that you question and critique all your slightest emotional responses so thoroughly.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you. It's good to have that validation sometimes.

[mellowtomysoul.livejournal.com]

i just wanted to say thank you for writing this. i'm going through a bit of this (not losing weight but thinking that it maybe wouldn't be a bad thing) and i am totally confused by it. i have like NO fat friends which makes it hard because while i am totally ok talking about the F word with all my friends (who are amazing and supportive) i don't think they know how to talk about it with me because they dont know what its like and they dont want to say the wrong thing (which would be so easy to do).

so no words of wisdom just kinda glad there is someone else going through something similar.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's true... I don't think people who aren't fat or at least fattish totally get this. Unless they've had an eating disorder, which is not the same but subjects you to many similar societal issues.

It's weird. But I'm trying hard not to let my or others' reactions go unquestioned, you know? If I talk about it, at least it offers opportunities for conversation and knowledge.

[peregrin8.livejournal.com]

I love your writing. It's very brave and insightful.