stupid effing weightloss
Mar. 27th, 2006 04:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
keryxI encountered a scale this weekend for the first time in a while, and with effing everyone around me asking if I lost weight lately, I figured I'd check.
I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was or the last time someone weighed me, for that matter. In any case, I'm pretty sure it was less than a year ago, and also pretty sure that I weighed something around 220 pounds. Which means I've lost some 20 pounds since then.
The ideal response to this is indifference, I think. In a perfect world, weight gained or lost in a not-ridiculously-short time wouldn't have any value judgement attached to it. I mean, you might be curious, but that'd be it. Right?
But we - and by we here, I mean I - don't live in that world. And there's a part of me that's all "Woot! I really did shrink! Go me!" - I'm ashamed of that part.
What a stupid thing to be even a tiny bit proud of, first off. I mean, it's not an accomplishment, period - it's not something I set out to do, and even if I did set out to do it (sorry weight-losing peeps on my f-list, I realize YMMV), it would've been a meaningless goal that wasted time I could've spent doing something useful. Changing the size of your body on purpose may be hard, but it's not about mastery or building something you can use (yeah, yeah, I know people talk about it as a psychological triumph and all... and maybe that's true - for them), and shrinking is certainly not about being healthy in and of itself.
The part of me that's pro-shrinking is also still a little disordered, so I'm also ashamed because it's embarrassing to be a smart, strong woman who still has a tiny part of her brain dedicated to disordered eating and self-hate. No matter how tiny that part is, or how dissociated I feel from it (which is itself an issue, if we wanna get all analytical about it).
There's another rabidly anti-shrinking part of me (the part ashamed of the other part, of course), because the past few years saw a fundamental change in my feeling about my body. Namely, I really liked it. The change is making me uncomfortable with my body, its inability to fit into pants, and others' appraisals of it. And I find myself talking again about "my body" like the physical and mental aren't both me. It feels like steps backwards. Which sucks even harder because I'm kindof a raging fat radical, and here I am stymied by my own skin.
Logically, I realize that the truth is the shrinking thing is probably incidental - I was actually fairly sure I had shrunk, but not lost pounds, as I know my physical training has made me denser & more muscular - to other useful and fun changes in my life. I mean, I shifted from being a healthy eater and exerciser to being flat-out athletic; I've been involved in trying to master a lot of things about myself. But just because the cause is incidental doesn't mean I can settle lightly into the shrinking and the change.
Not that I really want lightly, anyhow - applying a questioning glare to one's self and motives is good. I just... wow, I really am feeling the imbalance of the values we attach to fat and thin (or even just "thinner") these days.
It's feeling a lot more personal.
I don't remember when the last time I weighed myself was or the last time someone weighed me, for that matter. In any case, I'm pretty sure it was less than a year ago, and also pretty sure that I weighed something around 220 pounds. Which means I've lost some 20 pounds since then.
The ideal response to this is indifference, I think. In a perfect world, weight gained or lost in a not-ridiculously-short time wouldn't have any value judgement attached to it. I mean, you might be curious, but that'd be it. Right?
But we - and by we here, I mean I - don't live in that world. And there's a part of me that's all "Woot! I really did shrink! Go me!" - I'm ashamed of that part.
What a stupid thing to be even a tiny bit proud of, first off. I mean, it's not an accomplishment, period - it's not something I set out to do, and even if I did set out to do it (sorry weight-losing peeps on my f-list, I realize YMMV), it would've been a meaningless goal that wasted time I could've spent doing something useful. Changing the size of your body on purpose may be hard, but it's not about mastery or building something you can use (yeah, yeah, I know people talk about it as a psychological triumph and all... and maybe that's true - for them), and shrinking is certainly not about being healthy in and of itself.
The part of me that's pro-shrinking is also still a little disordered, so I'm also ashamed because it's embarrassing to be a smart, strong woman who still has a tiny part of her brain dedicated to disordered eating and self-hate. No matter how tiny that part is, or how dissociated I feel from it (which is itself an issue, if we wanna get all analytical about it).
There's another rabidly anti-shrinking part of me (the part ashamed of the other part, of course), because the past few years saw a fundamental change in my feeling about my body. Namely, I really liked it. The change is making me uncomfortable with my body, its inability to fit into pants, and others' appraisals of it. And I find myself talking again about "my body" like the physical and mental aren't both me. It feels like steps backwards. Which sucks even harder because I'm kindof a raging fat radical, and here I am stymied by my own skin.
Logically, I realize that the truth is the shrinking thing is probably incidental - I was actually fairly sure I had shrunk, but not lost pounds, as I know my physical training has made me denser & more muscular - to other useful and fun changes in my life. I mean, I shifted from being a healthy eater and exerciser to being flat-out athletic; I've been involved in trying to master a lot of things about myself. But just because the cause is incidental doesn't mean I can settle lightly into the shrinking and the change.
Not that I really want lightly, anyhow - applying a questioning glare to one's self and motives is good. I just... wow, I really am feeling the imbalance of the values we attach to fat and thin (or even just "thinner") these days.
It's feeling a lot more personal.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 07:17 pm (UTC)It's a minefield out here. Rar Grr Hiss.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-03-27 08:50 pm (UTC)