lifestyle blather

[keryx]

I've now reached the point where everyone knows about my "vegan during daylight" eating habits and I get (nicely) made fun of at work for them. Which is interesting. I get a lot of are you still doing that's. I think that's a symptom of our diet and instant gratification culture.

And I'm totally influenced by this. I've been following a regimen of daily exercise, including weight/circular strength training, and lower-calorie eating for about four months. As far as I can tell, I haven't lost any weight (I also haven't been weighed, so whatever). I certainly haven't seen any real appearance change. But my pants don't fit; I must have lost some girth around the waist. Skirts I can just buy a size smaller, but I can't find any pants that fit me. The first time this happened, I was perversely pleased - like "aha, I'm not even counting pounds, but I'm getting thinner"; now I'm just cranky about not being able to wear clothes. Why does it even matter?

Now I'm healthier, but I just don't feel any thinner (ergo more attractive); I get whiny and defeatist about this. Even though I know people don't just lose weight. Even though I do feel better most of the time. Actually, I feel fatter and less attractive a lot, because the exercise is finally resolving my warped image of my body so I see myself as being as fat as I am, not less fat. Or - I don't know, I just feel like I'm taking up space, and some embarrassing inner part of me thinks that makes me bad. Well, that's stupid. That's a stupid thought, no matter how grounded it is in "societal ideals". Body ideals are stupid.

Comments

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is worth quite a bit.