lifestyle blather

[keryx]

I've now reached the point where everyone knows about my "vegan during daylight" eating habits and I get (nicely) made fun of at work for them. Which is interesting. I get a lot of are you still doing that's. I think that's a symptom of our diet and instant gratification culture.

And I'm totally influenced by this. I've been following a regimen of daily exercise, including weight/circular strength training, and lower-calorie eating for about four months. As far as I can tell, I haven't lost any weight (I also haven't been weighed, so whatever). I certainly haven't seen any real appearance change. But my pants don't fit; I must have lost some girth around the waist. Skirts I can just buy a size smaller, but I can't find any pants that fit me. The first time this happened, I was perversely pleased - like "aha, I'm not even counting pounds, but I'm getting thinner"; now I'm just cranky about not being able to wear clothes. Why does it even matter?

Now I'm healthier, but I just don't feel any thinner (ergo more attractive); I get whiny and defeatist about this. Even though I know people don't just lose weight. Even though I do feel better most of the time. Actually, I feel fatter and less attractive a lot, because the exercise is finally resolving my warped image of my body so I see myself as being as fat as I am, not less fat. Or - I don't know, I just feel like I'm taking up space, and some embarrassing inner part of me thinks that makes me bad. Well, that's stupid. That's a stupid thought, no matter how grounded it is in "societal ideals". Body ideals are stupid.

Comments

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

What does "vegan during daylight" mean?

And I know what you mean about losing weight. I had this idea that once I stopped eating dairy I would suddenly become svelte. It hasn't happened yet, but I've only been off dairy (mostly) for 2 months. I'm hoping!

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

You obviously have no friends that look even remotely like the woman in your icon. If you did maybe you would stop to consider her humanity, her right to have her body appreciated in a loving context.

You’ll probably pay no attention to this. You’ll probably write this off. But goddamn, you're helping to disenfranchise human beings.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Veggiemama looks not unlike her icon, she's friends with me and I look not unlike her icon. We ARE those disenfranchised human beings, which is precisely why this whole stupid thing is so frustrating - that taking on a healthy lifestyle can accidentally result in all these questions about yourself that are in line with ideas about fat that you don't believe for other people.

I find it easy to say you're beautiful, for instance, or that veggiemama's beautiful, but not to say the same thing about myself. It craps. But it's not unusual for women, especially fat women, to think this way - even, for those of us fighting against it, in the backs of our minds.

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

Ahh, I see. Judging just from the substance of her post, it seems that it was being used for a chuckle.

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions!

And yes, it's a very tough issue to sort out in one's head.

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

Thanks keryx! I don't usually get riled up about internet things, but that comment REALLY pissed me off. Thanks for having my back, disenfranchised (LOL!) though it is.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

It was a good conversation. I mean, we all spaz sometimes when we don't have background info or see things in the context they're intended to be in. I know I do, at least. ;)

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

I see that this has already been taken care of, but damn! *I* look like the woman in my icon. I love the icon because it's a fat woman who obviously thinks of herself as beautiful. I think her body in the icon IS "appreciated in a loving context," by me and by her. And screw YOU for being so rude without even knowing me.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

I think I posted the obsessive details of vegan-during-daylight before. Basically, lunch and breakfast are vegan, dinner is whatever.

I know for myself at least that I'm embarrassed by the part of me that wants to be thinner. I know it's a) stupid to want, and feels like a capitulation to my own dislike of my body and b) likely not going to happen anyway.

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

Ah, now I get it. I thought maybe you were saying that you only eat meat at night, in bed :). THAT WAS A JOKE, so don't anyone take it the wrong way!

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Picture me cackling loudly in response to that one. :D

Apology

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

I apologize for assuming that you were using your icon in a disparaging way! The text of your comment seemed to imply this, and I’m very sensitive about that kind of thing.

Keryx set me straight. *Points down to other comments in the thread*

Re: Apology

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

How did the text of my comment seem disparaging? I really DID feel that way. I DO feel that way. Project much?

Re: Apology

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

Well, you were talking about how you believed you would lose weight and your disappointment when that didn’t happen. So what I saw was fat=bad and then the icon.

I wasn't projecting; I was being overly defensive because using positive fat imagery as a joke is one of my pet peeves.

I’ve seen fat bashing too many times on lj with super sized women in icons as a joke, so I jumped to a conclusion. But I know now that wasn't at all your intent.

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

First, I realize you’re exploring your feelings on your body, and it seems you realize that most of this body hating stuff is for the birds. But. I don't know if you read the disclaimer in my user info. There I state that I don't enjoy having weight loss or fat hating talk on my friends list. I put that disclaimer there in the spirit of full disclosure. You seem really cool to me otherwise, but this stuff gets on my nerves and frankly, it hurts. I’m not trying to give you an ultimatum or anything; it’s your journal, and your life. You can do with it what you will. And I’m not even exactly sure where you’re coming from on this issue.

Just please let me know if you’re willing to filter me out of diet talk. I can understand if you are disinclined. :-/

[keryx.livejournal.com]

It's not diet talk. It's honest questioning of these fucked up ideas I have about myself as compared to the ideals I hold for other people.

But I understand that, taken out of the context of my political/activist blog and placed in the whiny blathering context of LJ, it might come across as diet talk. Honestly, I use this journal mostly for things I find too stupid or embarrassing to post on the blog, and you'd probably prefer the blog. So, while I can filter you out of this kind of post, I'm not sure you really want to read my LJ anyway. But let me know, and I'll filter you out.

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think I want to be filtered out. I see now that it was out of context, and so I didn't see where you were coming from. I'll try to read both your blog and your lj in conjunction so I can get the whole picture.

Sorting out and talking about these issues with ourselves and each other is important and valuable. I'm just glad to see that you're not another ignorant fat hating dieter that will see me and my friends as horrid freaks who refuse to simply pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and get in line.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Cool. And may I add how sad it makes me that I posted something that COULD be construed as fat-hating diet talk? There's still so much further I need to go.

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I didn't take it as fat-hating.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is worth quite a bit.