lifestyle blather

[keryx]

I've now reached the point where everyone knows about my "vegan during daylight" eating habits and I get (nicely) made fun of at work for them. Which is interesting. I get a lot of are you still doing that's. I think that's a symptom of our diet and instant gratification culture.

And I'm totally influenced by this. I've been following a regimen of daily exercise, including weight/circular strength training, and lower-calorie eating for about four months. As far as I can tell, I haven't lost any weight (I also haven't been weighed, so whatever). I certainly haven't seen any real appearance change. But my pants don't fit; I must have lost some girth around the waist. Skirts I can just buy a size smaller, but I can't find any pants that fit me. The first time this happened, I was perversely pleased - like "aha, I'm not even counting pounds, but I'm getting thinner"; now I'm just cranky about not being able to wear clothes. Why does it even matter?

Now I'm healthier, but I just don't feel any thinner (ergo more attractive); I get whiny and defeatist about this. Even though I know people don't just lose weight. Even though I do feel better most of the time. Actually, I feel fatter and less attractive a lot, because the exercise is finally resolving my warped image of my body so I see myself as being as fat as I am, not less fat. Or - I don't know, I just feel like I'm taking up space, and some embarrassing inner part of me thinks that makes me bad. Well, that's stupid. That's a stupid thought, no matter how grounded it is in "societal ideals". Body ideals are stupid.

Comments

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think I want to be filtered out. I see now that it was out of context, and so I didn't see where you were coming from. I'll try to read both your blog and your lj in conjunction so I can get the whole picture.

Sorting out and talking about these issues with ourselves and each other is important and valuable. I'm just glad to see that you're not another ignorant fat hating dieter that will see me and my friends as horrid freaks who refuse to simply pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and get in line.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Cool. And may I add how sad it makes me that I posted something that COULD be construed as fat-hating diet talk? There's still so much further I need to go.

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I didn't take it as fat-hating.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is worth quite a bit.