lifestyle blather

[keryx]

I've now reached the point where everyone knows about my "vegan during daylight" eating habits and I get (nicely) made fun of at work for them. Which is interesting. I get a lot of are you still doing that's. I think that's a symptom of our diet and instant gratification culture.

And I'm totally influenced by this. I've been following a regimen of daily exercise, including weight/circular strength training, and lower-calorie eating for about four months. As far as I can tell, I haven't lost any weight (I also haven't been weighed, so whatever). I certainly haven't seen any real appearance change. But my pants don't fit; I must have lost some girth around the waist. Skirts I can just buy a size smaller, but I can't find any pants that fit me. The first time this happened, I was perversely pleased - like "aha, I'm not even counting pounds, but I'm getting thinner"; now I'm just cranky about not being able to wear clothes. Why does it even matter?

Now I'm healthier, but I just don't feel any thinner (ergo more attractive); I get whiny and defeatist about this. Even though I know people don't just lose weight. Even though I do feel better most of the time. Actually, I feel fatter and less attractive a lot, because the exercise is finally resolving my warped image of my body so I see myself as being as fat as I am, not less fat. Or - I don't know, I just feel like I'm taking up space, and some embarrassing inner part of me thinks that makes me bad. Well, that's stupid. That's a stupid thought, no matter how grounded it is in "societal ideals". Body ideals are stupid.

Comments

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

First, I realize you’re exploring your feelings on your body, and it seems you realize that most of this body hating stuff is for the birds. But. I don't know if you read the disclaimer in my user info. There I state that I don't enjoy having weight loss or fat hating talk on my friends list. I put that disclaimer there in the spirit of full disclosure. You seem really cool to me otherwise, but this stuff gets on my nerves and frankly, it hurts. I’m not trying to give you an ultimatum or anything; it’s your journal, and your life. You can do with it what you will. And I’m not even exactly sure where you’re coming from on this issue.

Just please let me know if you’re willing to filter me out of diet talk. I can understand if you are disinclined. :-/

[keryx.livejournal.com]

It's not diet talk. It's honest questioning of these fucked up ideas I have about myself as compared to the ideals I hold for other people.

But I understand that, taken out of the context of my political/activist blog and placed in the whiny blathering context of LJ, it might come across as diet talk. Honestly, I use this journal mostly for things I find too stupid or embarrassing to post on the blog, and you'd probably prefer the blog. So, while I can filter you out of this kind of post, I'm not sure you really want to read my LJ anyway. But let me know, and I'll filter you out.

[originalenid.livejournal.com]

No, I don't think I want to be filtered out. I see now that it was out of context, and so I didn't see where you were coming from. I'll try to read both your blog and your lj in conjunction so I can get the whole picture.

Sorting out and talking about these issues with ourselves and each other is important and valuable. I'm just glad to see that you're not another ignorant fat hating dieter that will see me and my friends as horrid freaks who refuse to simply pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and get in line.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Cool. And may I add how sad it makes me that I posted something that COULD be construed as fat-hating diet talk? There's still so much further I need to go.

[veggiemama.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I didn't take it as fat-hating.

[keryx.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It is worth quite a bit.